Friday, June 15, 2007

Daily Classifieds

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa


JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this
time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must
screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the
best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right.

1 comment:

Marian said...

What a precise and compelling description of parenthood!
it's a bit of a masochist choice really... if you add the hair pulling, kicks, scartches, high pitch yelling right in your ear, etc, this job on top of everything, is dangerous for your health.
I was looking at a few old pics, and I cant believe how much my face has aged in two years...pics from before being pregnant compared to once of a few days ago...I need botox, colagen...or whatever... or another ton of that YSL stuff... (I could start with a weekend at a spa...).