Thursday, June 14, 2007

Please help me forget…

Today my little man turned 8 months. His birthday present was a visit to the pediatrician for his bi-monthly check-up, a shot, a blood test and a-so-close-it-scared-the-crap-out-of-me-visit-to-the-ER.
Yes…you got it right…ER.

This is how it went:

Cool Mama: “La…… off we go to the doc, Luca. I know honey it sucks that you have to get a shot on your birthday. Mommy tried to change the appointment, but there was nothing available for next week. Don’t worry, we will be so fast…you won’t even feel it!”.

Luca: “What are you talking about, you crazy lady. Of course I will feel it, I’m gonna have a needle in my leg…you wacko!”

Little we knew that included in the today’s visit there was also a blood test. I can still hear him screaming his lungs out, while the doc was poking his finger.
After a few minutes of hysterical wailing he finally calmed down and off we go, ready to make our way back home.

My husband and I were so busy calming Luca down that we didn’t really pay attention to the doc warning of keeping an eye on Luca’s band-aid. Yes, he had a little band-aid on the finger where the blood was drawn and I remember a little tickle in my ear…similar to the doc’s voice, telling us: “Keep the strip on for a little bit and make sure he doesn’t swallow it…swallow it…swallow it (this is the echo in my brain!)”. Well…you just go ahead and guess what happened?

Yep…we were strolling back home when all of a sudden I hear Luca coughing and gagging.... I knew he had swallowed the band-aid.
I started panicking. I mean, REALLY panicking. My little man needed help right away. So while my husband was frantically trying to get it out, I dialed 911.
I did my best to stay calm, but tears were coming down and for the first time I was really scared for his life.

The operator was asking way to many questions and I almost lost it…my baby was choking for God’s sake…help!
She wanted to know if he had foam around his mouth and if he was blue. I almost fainted when I saw a little foamed saliva coming out of his mouth…that was it. I felt like somebody was stabbing me in the chest over and over and over.

Then…the miracle happened. He started crying and I knew he was ok. My little hero was trying to tell me that I didn’t have to worry about him and that he would never leave me.
His beautiful face was drenched with tears, but he still managed to smile at me.

Unfortunately, I will never forget this day. I had failed to protect him and it’s the worst feeling in the whole world. I had failed as a mother and I fear he’ll never forgive me.

Later the pediatrician told me not to worry. That this happens all the time and that he will poop it out tomorrow. Still. I should have been more careful.

Please forgive me, my little angel and may God watch over you forever and ever.


Marian said...

"I will never forget this day. I had failed to protect him and it’s the worst feeling in the whole world" Since I became a mother Ive realized of how incredibly vulnerable I am now. Never before... because if you get hurt, your husband... whatever, adults. Get on with it... but a kid. A baby, MY baby... breaks my heart. A few days ago I got a call from my mother in law telling me that Seba had fallen off the bed (her bed) in those 2 seconds that she looked away. I panicked. Docotr said he was fine, that it happens very often..blabla.. still.
I used to get in planes for the long trip back home iwth nooo problem. All cool, a book, music... done. Now...all those fears of planes crashing down, or whatever else, have made me think things diffrently.. dunno. Its weird. But how vulnerable we are now.

Cool Mama said...

It's true Marian. In moments like this you truly understand how much you love your kids and how far you are ready to go for them. Your life becomes nothing in compares to theirs...that's how much you love them.
I had never understood this kind of love before, but my mom always used to tell me: "Wait until you have kids then you'll understand a mother's love". It is so true.